Monday, June 2, 2008

Universal Studios Fire: a devastating loss to Amerikan Cultcher

The American movie industry was still reeling from shock last night after the devastating fire that swept through part of the Universal Studios complex in Los Angeles, California. The damage, though yet to be quantified, is thought to amount to hundreds of millions of dollars. But the cultural loss to millions of Americans will not be so easy to calculate. So many well-known iconic images of contemporary American life were destroyed in the blaze that it is thought that the history of post-modern America may have been totally wiped out, never to be seen again.

Heartbroken Hollywood directors and performers were lining up to share their memories of one of America's great movie houses as vast parts of it collapsed into a smoking ruin.

"I just can't believe it," said African-American director, Spike Lee, "that famously recognizable couch on which the white bitch was repeatedly raped by six brothas in the sequel to Michael Winner's "Death Wish" has been totally destroyed. It's completely beyond repair," sobbed the Negro, who went on to explain that it was this movie that had inspired him to venture into the movie business when he was still in his early 20s and had been told repeatedly that he was a complete failure and had no talent for anything.

Recording megastar Madonna was visibly in tears as she surveyed the smoking wreckage. "I remember watching King Kong being made here many years ago and thinking to myself, 'Oh God! It IS acceptable for white women to be fucked by Negroes, after all!' "Of course," she went on, "the movie was merely an allegory for black-on-white fucking, as to spell that message out plain and clear back in those prissy days was a complete no-no. Thank God we now live in more Liberal times and no longer have to resort to such devices to get this vital message over. And let me repeat that message again: it's GOOD for white women to fuck Negroes! Especially if the Negroes involved smoke crack and have AIDS!"

At this point we were joined by Christina Aguilera, who threw her arms around Madonna in a touching gesture of empathy. "I know how you feel, honey," she said, kissing the aging superstar french-style, "right there was that scene I filmed for one of my pop videos where I was half-naked leaning over a pink convertible and being felt-up by about 8 horny black guys who were desperate to get into my panties. I can't remember which song it was we were shooting the scene for now, but...." she broke down in tears at this point, "it's all gone!! So many memories! So many black cocks up my ass..."

Quentin Tarantino showed up shortly afterwards. Asked what his memories of the studios were, he said, "I guess my favorite movie ever was Hitchcock's 'Psycho' which of course was filmed here too. You know, up until that movie came out, everyone thought it was kinda weird and creepy to keep the corpse of your dead mother at home in the cellar, but the movie really helped to break that old taboo." Asked what his favorite moment was from one of his own films, Tarantino replied without hesitation: "That bit in Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Blond binds that cop to a chair and cuts his ear off with a razor whilst dancing to 'Stuck in the Middle' by Gerry Rafferty. That scene was pure class, though I do say so myself."

Samuel L Jackson was also among those mourning the tragic loss. He explained how whilst shooting Pulp Fiction on the studio`s sound stage he had unwittingly popularized the term `motherfucker` which up until that moment hadn`t really found widespread acceptance in mainstream society, but he was glad he had broken that taboo, describing it as a `Liberation` for African-Americans everywhere.

So there we have it, folks. The destruction of Universal Studios may well prove a terminal blow to American popular culture. The Insurance companies will cover the financial loss of this catastrophe, but the loss to this great nation's influence over cutting-edge culture around the world may take a lot more than mere money to repair!

We will shortly return you to our regular programming....

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